This article was written by Ali Solomon - a NYC public middle school art teacher for the past 15 years. She's written for The Huffington Post, McSweeney's, and Scary Mommy, among others. Find more of her work at her blog, Facebook page, or Twitter.
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Grades are in, report cards are out. The bell has tolled for the final time, and the students have exploded into the streets in a riotous frenzy.
Why, yes, it's summer vacation.
Before you doff your neckties and sweater sets, and silence your alarm clock for the next ten weeks, make sure to leave your classroom in order:
1. Empty the "confiscation drawer."
Throw out the fuzzy pink handcuffs, cigarettes, vat of neon slime, cell phone that won't turn off, and 5000 fidget spinners. On second thought, maybe keep the handcuffs.
2. Clean the graffiti off of the desks.
Before you do, look up what the vandalized slang means. Realize you probably shouldn't have given detention to the kid who wrote "This class is lit" across the computer table.
3. Set your school email to auto-reply.
So that when Jane Foley's parents email you about her science grade, they'll be greeted with the lyrics to "The Pina Colada Song."
4. Destroy all evidence that you ate three entire Whitman's Samplers while grading midterms.
5. Bring home that nice pair of shoes you always said you'd change into once you got to work, but never ever did.
6. Give back the assignment you collected in September but forgot about until just now.
Remind your outgoing students that it counted for 40% of their final grade.
7. Pack up all the work you plan on doing over the summer, but won't even look at until after Labor Day.
8. Openly mock of all the suckers teaching summer school.
Then make them buy rounds at the end-of-year party since they'll be raking in the big bucks.
9. Lock up all your valuables so no one steals them from your classroom over the summer.
For the record, your white-erase markers, rolling desk chair, and 30 copies of MacBeth totally count as "valuables."
10. Use a Men in Black mind eraser to ensure you have no recollection of the previous year, your profession, or the fuzzy handcuff incident until you stroll through the door in September.